My Husband Is Suddenly Conceited After His Affair - He Thinks He's Wonderful

Many women see their husbands very differently after he cheats or has an affair. This often involves perceptions of what is on the inside - which is something that you can't see. Sometimes though, there is a change of perception about what you see on the outside. And this change can come from the man himself. He can see himself differently (and more positively) because he internalizes the approval that he thinks he is getting from the other woman.

A wife might describe this situation: "my husband has always been a decent looking guy. But he has never been vain. That is one thing that I always loved about him. I always thought he was gorgeous, but he never seemed to think this about himself. He could look good without even trying. He has no self awareness and he would wear clothing he picked out in about two seconds and wouldn't take any care with his appearance. Outward looks really never meant much to my husband and that was a big appeal to me. Well, since he had an affair, suddenly how his looks matter a great deal to him. That was actually one reason that I suspected that he was having an affair. Suddenly, he started going to a stylist instead of his usual barber. Instead of ordering his old standby clothes from a catalog, he began shopping at the store where my son shops which caters to a much younger crowd. He traded in his SUV and got a sports car that is much too small for our family. I catch him primping in the mirror all of the time. He almost struts when he walks. It's as if he thinks he's a male model instead of a middle aged father. Honestly, I had thought I wanted to save my marriage, but his preoccupation with his looks is now a huge turn off for me. I've never been into men who are conceited and full of themselves and that is just how my husband is acting - like he thinks he's hot stuff. He's good looking. But he is still a middle aged man. And he doesn't seem to get that."

I know how frustrating this can be. He "doesn't seem to get" that he's a middle aged man because he simply doesn't want to - at least for right now. In fact, much of the time, this is what the affair is all about. It doesn't have much to do with the other woman. But it has everything to do with him desperately attempting to prove to himself that he is still worthwhile and he is still in the game. Many men have affairs at a time when they are seriously doubting their own attractiveness. So when the other woman tells him how good looking he is, (or at least says this with her actions) it's sometimes just exactly what he was wanting to hear.

Many of us don't appreciate that men have doubts about their looks in the same way that women do. And many of us women will feel that a man who worries about his looks is pathetic and vain. I understand this and I had the same thoughts. But one day I was in the bathroom and applying heavy moisturizer and feeling a little down about it. And I realized that this was actually the same thing that my husband was probably going through. Many things about aging are wonderful. We often realize life truths that have long eluded us. We are often settled and more confident in some areas. But we all look in the mirror and know full well that our looks are changing. Men are no different.

I am not trying to defend your husband. But I am trying to offer you reassurance that this doesn't always last forever. This will often end about the same time that the affair does - particularly if your husband is the one who broke it off. I know very few men who are still acting this way years after the fact. This is one way that they externalize what they are feeling inside. Once the novelty wears off on the inside, you usually see it change on the outside.

One way to help you to have a little patience with this (and not to be as turned off) is to try to see him for what he truly is - a middle aged man who is struggling with insecurity. It might look like conceit on the outside, but it is really insecurity. And we all have insecurities as we age. And many of us will try different skin care regimens or hair styles or ways of dress in a way to counter this and make ourselves feel better.

Yes, your husband has taken it way too far. But I suspect that it won't last. I know that you may be tempted to tell him how stupid he looks, but this may make him feel even more insecure and actually reinforce the behavior. You might seem him primping more instead of less. I think it's better to try to see him as someone who is struggling and know that it is probably going to pass. It's more important to decide where you want to go from here than to focus on his primping.
 

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The Other Woman In The Affair Doesn't Want To Get Her Own Life

 

It's my opinion that the best case scenario after an affair is for the two people in the relationship to go their separate ways. If it is the husband who cheated, then I believe that it's best to cut off all contact with the other woman so that no person has any idea how the other is faring. This isn't always what happens though. Sometimes, the other person in the affair has a hard time letting go. And this makes it difficult for every one involved. And, it's not always the husband who keeps tabs on the other woman. Sometimes it is the wife.

I might hear from a faithful wife who says: "I know that it is mostly a mistake to begin a relationship with the woman who cheated with your husband. This was never my intention to be honest. Initially, I just wanted to talk to her to get closure. But she wasn't the ogre that I thought she would be. She had real feelings for my husband. And she actually is a nice person who is going through a hard time. The problem is that it appears that she can not let go. I know that it's weird, but she confides in me. She says that she pulls out photos of my husband and that she has memories. She says that she knows she needs to turn the corner, but she can not. She says that she doesn't even want to end her relationship with me, as silly as this might sound. I know that this isn't the ideal thing, but I feel like I want to help her move on, but how can I do this when I have my own problems?"

In contrast, you might hear a husband say: "when I broke things off with the other woman, I was as clear as I could possibly be. I told her that I didn't want any contact as I needed to make my wife my priority. She can not seem to accept this. She says she knows that the affair is wrong but that she just can not turn away from me. She will send me texts and say that she knows that I'm not going to write back, but she just needed for me to know that she is thinking about me. She sends me emails to tell me how much she misses me. I feel badly about this, but my wife said no contact. How do I make her let go?"

My answer to both husband and wife in this situation would be the same. You can't "make" her do anything, especially when it comes to her emotions, over which she doesn't have control. She will likely let go once she has worked through the issues and once enough time has passed. It is the same for anyone who has been deeply involved in a relationship that ends. Sometimes, it is difficult. Sometimes, we are slow to let go. But eventually, we do because we must move on with our lives. Or, we meet someone else. Or we get tired of feeling so badly all of the time.

Most of us move on at our own pace and when we are ready. You can not hurry this process for the other woman, but that does not mean that you have to be involved in it. Frankly, the longer you encourage any relationship, the harder it is going to be to let go.

The wife could try a conversation with the other woman like: "you know that you aren't at all what I expected. I truly do wish you well and I'm very sorry that this happened to all of us. But I need to focus on my marriage. And I can't fully do that while we are still in contact. You need to place your focus on yourself and start moving away from this relationship. You can't fully do that while we are still in touch. I wish you well but I can't continue on this way."

Hopefully, this will make it clear to her and she will do exactly as you have asked. If she doesn't, you may need to block her from your email and phone until it's very clear to her.

I know that this is a hard situation. And I know that it's painful for all parties. Of course you don't wish for anyone to feel pain. But you have to focus on yourself also. And, her moving on is not something that you should worry about more than you worry about your own issues. You have enough on your plate right now and your focus should be on your own life.

I would suspect that in time, every one will move on. But the process is cleaner and quicker if both parties cease the contact. Yes, this means that you won't know if she has moved on or not. But that really is how it should be. Keeping in contact just makes it more difficult on every one involved.

And quite frankly, from all of the correspondence that I get, I've never had an "other woman" tell me that years after the fact, she still hasn't moved on. Most people pick up the pieces eventually. Most people move on eventually simply because they must. I know that it doesn't seem this way right now. But focus on yourself and on your own marriage. And let her worry about herself. People are resilient and she will eventually realize there's nothing in the relationship to keep her there.

 

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How Does The Other Woman In The Affair Deal With What She's Done

One of the most common topics of the emails that I get are on the subject of the other woman. Wives often want to know how she feels and what could drive her to want to destroy another woman's family.

Wives often just can not get how anyone would set their sights on a married man, especially if he has a family. I understand this. Because I am one of those wives. And I know that it is really easy to think of her as evil. You want to believe that she is without a conscience and that she is someone with no redeeming qualities.

Why We'd Like To Be Able To Stereotype Her (And Why We Can Not) Many people would like to believe that the other woman is easy to classify. This would be convenient if it were true. Because then we would always know what (and who) we are dealing with. But, I get a lot of emails from "the other woman" and I firmly believe that it's impossible to classify or stereotype her. Just like wives all have different personalities, the same holds true here.

Every situation is different. Many of these women have very unique motivations. Some weren't even told that the husband was married. They thought that they were getting involved with someone available. They thought they were investing in a relationship that stood a chance. And then they learn that he is married. They know that they should walk away but they can't.

Some know that he is married and this bothers them greatly. The only way that they can continue on is to compartmentalize it. They try really hard to not think about the wife and the family. They tell themselves that his marriage is not their business. Sometimes, they are successful with this, at least for a while.

And then some "other women" actually prefer a married man because they do not want a committed relationship. Or, they may already be in one because they are married themselves. They aren't looking for a relationship that is going to require anything emotional from them. They don't want to make the other man their own. They like having no strings attached.

Finally, there are some other women who truly think that they are in love with the other man and their ultimate goal is to eventually be his wife. They often will not tell him this in the beginning. They pretend that they are OK with the secret arrangements. But deep down, they have a plan. And that plan is to break up his marriage to make room for their own marriage to him. She believes that the two of them belong together. She may be really sorry that his first marriage must end for them to be together. She may feel horribly guilty about this. But, she is going to attempt to do whatever is necessary in order to get him for herself.

Should You Attempt To Know Who Are Dealing With?: Having read all of this, many wives will want to know how they can figure out what type of other woman they are dealing with, since there are so many. They want to know what motivated her and how she is feeling right now. I completely understand why you want this information.

But if you get anything from this article at all, I hope that it is this. The more you learn about her, the more you want to know. It doesn't do you any good to "go there." In terms of your marriage and your own well being, it often doesn't benefit you to learn more. Why? Because we are so often not satisfied with what we learn. Because it only leads to more questions. And we only dig ourselves into a deeper hole.

She may be perfectly nice or she may be ultimately evil. It doesn't or shouldn't affect your bottom line either way. Because the gold standard for you is to leave her behind and to work on your marriage or your own life. The quicker you can leave thoughts of her behind you, the better off you will be. She has no place in your life. And even if she's the nicest person on earth or you feel genuine sorrow for her, she has other friends, other support systems, and other places to turn.

Or, if you feel the opposite and hate her and want revenge, then the best thing for you to do is to trust that karma is going to take care of everything. You may think that this is easy for me to say, but it's not.

I know the itching need to know everything. I know the need to intimately know the perceived enemy. But I also know that even when you have all of these things, you still feel empty. This knowledge actually makes things worse, in my opinion.

There are many people affected by an affair. Some are hurt. Some are angry. All have their reasons. But the only one that you should worry about in the equation is yourself and those who are part of your family.

Why It's Nearly Impossible To Know The Truth: The truth is, it's very unlikely that you are going to get an honest portrayal of her. In order to do that, you'd have to be able to see into her heart. Your husband can tell you about her, but this is only his perception. And he has only seen what she has wanted him to see. She can tell you things, but again, she is slanting the information to her own gain.

The truth is, it doesn't matter, as long as the affair is truly over. What is in the past should be left there. She may or may not have wanted to hurt anyone. But what remains hurt is more up to you than up to her. You have the ability to heal regardless of her own psychology.

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Ten Classic Films With Older Women Seducing Young Men

 The idea of being seduced by an older woman is a fantasy that most guys have harbored at some early point in their lives. Most of them never get to experience the situation, so several classic films have been made to help them visualize the experience.

Here are ten movies where the central plot features a romance between an older woman and younger man. Only a few of the films enjoyed any critical acclaim, but all helped stir young men's fantasies about an older woman.

"Anatomy of a Seduction" from 1979: Susan Flannery is a divorced woman who begins a sexual affair with her son's best friend, who lives right next door. The climax comes when the romance is discovered by the boy's mother, played by Rita Moreno.

"Private Lessons" from 1981: The late Sylvia Krystal's character is paid to seduce a millionaire's son, who then is tricked into believing he killed her in the middle of their lovemaking. The plot was pretty hard to believe, but even harder to buy into was seeing Howard Hesseman as the bad guy instead of as Dr. Johnny Fever of WKRP.

"Coach" from 1978: The attractive Cathy Lee Crosby is brought in to coach a high school boys basketball team, which she eventually leads to a championship while bedding one of her star players.

"All-American Girl: The Mary Kay Letourneau Story" from 2000: The title character was the married mother of four who started an affair with one of her junior high students, by whom she conceived a child. Penelope Ann Miller stars as the convicted sex offender in this real-life depiction that is even juicier because the seductress is a teacher.

"Flesh and Blood" from 1979: Suzanne Pleshette plays the seductress in this film, which is more disturbing than the others of that era. You see, the boy she seduces happens to be her college-age son.

"Oedipus the King" from 1968: Christopher Plummer portrays Sophocles' Greek tragic hero who unknowingly weds his mother and produces children with her. Lilli Palmer plays the older yet sexy Jocasta, and Donald Sutherland appears as the head of the chorus that narrates the tale.

"My Stepson, My Lover" from 1997: Rachel Ward plays a doctor who, after marrying one of her wealthy patients, begins a sexual relationship with the man's son. The film is highlighted by a steamy love scene on the steps of a bungalow overlooking the lake.

"Moment by Moment" from 1978: Two stars mostly associated with comedy, John Travolta and Lily Tomlin, are thrust into this serious romantic drama. The title song by Yvonne Elliman endures as a bigger hit than the film.

"The Graduate" from 1967: This Oscar-nominated classic set the bar for all older woman seduction films, as young Benjamin (Dustin Hoffman) fends off then welcomes the sexual advances of neighbor Mrs. Robinson (Ann Bancroft). The comedy takes a turn when Benjamin then becomes romantic with her daughter.

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The Impact of An Affair On Your Relationship

Is your relationship strong enough to survive an affair?

Every so often I get a client that comes to me faced with the dilemma of how to deal with and or pick up the pieces after an affair.

I too have been in this predicament many years ago which resulted in my now chosen profession as a Life Coach.

I remember the pain, the shock, the disbelief, the betrayal as clearly as if it was yesterday. Something I would not wish on my worst enemy. We went the counselling route and it was our counsellor at the time that referred us to Imago Relationship Therapy.

I was amazed at how powerful Imago was (and still is) however it did not save our relationship. I was so busy blaming my partner for having an affair and his betrayal that I could not look past anything else - it consumed me to the very core.

In the end I had no choice but to take a long hard look at how we had got to the point that he had an affair, and ultimately my contribution that led to the breakdown of our relationship - after all as the saying goes 'it takes two to tango'. Situations don't just happen; we co-create them by the level of commitment, effort and contribution we make each day.

Upon reflection I realised how over time we had let things slide, we had worked ourselves into a destructive cycle of blaming, shaming and fault-finding. We had stopped appreciating each other and were taking each other for granted. Emotions were on high alert and we would tip toe around each other hoping not to rock the boat yet again but rather keep the peace for as long as we could. Invariable this was short-lived. This left us both feeling resentful, hurt and betrayed on various levels with our emotional needs unmet and no trust.

It was a long journey to finally let go of the anger and pain. To face myself in the mirror and take responsibility for being self-absorbed (I was working full-time and studying for my degree part-time) and not taking my partner and our relationship needs into account. We swept our issues under the carpet in the hope they would go away when all it did was manifest into larger issues and longer periods of fighting, avoiding or bouts of silent treatment.

Going through the Imago process helped me understand how my upbringing had shaped a lot of my outlook on life and in my mind and how relationships were meant to be. This coupled together with my own personal experiences and life stage at the time didn't really leave me with a good foundation to begin with.

Imago changed my life in that it empowered me to look at my picture of love and relationships, it gave me tools to create safety and as a result be vulnerable with my feelings and needs. I was able to communicate more effectively leaving me with a greater understanding of myself and others through new eyes and a heart filled with compassion and empathy for each person's individuality and uniqueness.

So how did I get there?

One day at a time. Change is a process, it doesn't happen overnight. I had to learn to be honest with myself first and foremost, before I could be honest with anyone else. I had to learn to have the courage to express myself, my vulnerability and be willing to sit with the awkwardness of it all. I had to learn to accept myself for the person I am flaws and all and show myself some compassion and self-love before I could express this to others.

I learnt that despite the shaping of my upbringing and what my perception of love and relationships were, it was not cast in stone and I could change this at any stage rather than repeat patterns from the past. That my sense of abandonment and rejection (my mother died when I was 7 years old) was not a reflection of me as a person. That the shame and guilt I carried due to a brief encounter of sexual abuse as a child was not a true reflection of love, relationships or men.

I realised I had a choice, to live my life according to the past, or shape my future the way I wanted it to be. It's been a wonderful journey and I am learning each day, not only about myself but about others too.

Today I am blessed to be in a relationship that is solid, supportive and a partner that is willing to grow and evolve together for the benefit of our relationship and each other. Years ago I would never have thought this possible, but it is, and I am proof of that.

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